at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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