Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
