She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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