Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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