You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
