he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It was confusing and full of hummus
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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