Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
