He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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