I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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