Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
