it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
