3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize