This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
