he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
