Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
