taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
