Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
