Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
