I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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