omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thank you for not boning my boss.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize