I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
