so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i think my mom watched the whole time
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
