my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize