I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
