Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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