I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
