It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
