Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
