you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
