I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
