I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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