Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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