God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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