i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
