oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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