I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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