DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
