Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I love how my cats smell like pot.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
