sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
