i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, beer. Big fan.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
