he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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