Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
