I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
