I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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