I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
