They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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