i think my tv is drunk
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
