my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize