as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
