I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
