Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
