Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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