I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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