new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
