I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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