everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
NoShamevember. You game?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize