Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize