david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
