If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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